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The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

July 23rd, 2009 (08:41 pm)

One of the worst things is watching people move on.

I'm not going to be delusional and think that things will fall apart without me. And then again, I do realize that some things will change..

It's so hard watching it happen before your own eyes.

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

May 30th, 2009 (04:10 am)

Dear self,

Remember you're always going to lose out to the skinny and pretty girls. Which is okay. Just remember it.

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

April 23rd, 2009 (10:44 pm)

So my life is a little out of control right now. I had a moment today when I actually had to stop and think is this really my life? Not in a dramatic bad way, but in a hilarious ridiculous way that makes me giggle a lot. Things that I can't post on lj. Heh heh heh.

Most importantly: I got accepted to SIU for the MM in Opera/Music Theater. I'm so excited I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm going to get a masters degree! I'm going to be a college student again! I'll be moving at the end of July, so I'm going to be cramming fun into every minute of my life for the next three months. And probably a fair amount of debauchery and shenanigans, because apparently that's how I do as of late?

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

March 18th, 2009 (10:54 pm)

So I feel like once again, I should get all of this off of my chest before I go to bed.

Tomorrow I'm driving down to Nashville, so I'll have 8 hours to think, and probs cry cause that's where I am right now. Right now I feel like I'm slowly turning into college Kelly. For those of you who didn't ever know her, a lot of the time she was a moody, saddy, pain in the ass. I don't know how I made friends... don't believe me? Go back and read some old posts in this baby.

This is also why drunk Kelly is not allowed to play for a while, until sober Kelly gets her life in check. Too many nights recently I've left ridic parties to come home and cry, like the old days. I HATE that.

Topic number one: I realized I'm pretty unhappy right now. I just feel so alone. Blah blah blah boo-hoo me, but whatevs that's how I feel. I have an amazing group of friends, but when all is said and done it's just me. Which I'm obvs used to, but I'm so done with it all. I thought I was okay just being me, but then I realized that it sucks. I'm just having a hard time finding how I fit with people right now. A lot of it is due to things changing after directing my friends, which I don't regret for a moment, but it def put a lot of things in perspective. And I have several friends who are going through some pretty rough shit right now, and aren't in very good places. But I just can't go there with them anymore. I'm the kind of person that tries to bear other's loads, always have been, and it's gotten me into some pretty bad situations in the past. I don't know what else to do without putting myself through it as well.

Segue to: I'm worried that I'm using theater to hide from my problems. I don't know if I do all of this theater because it's what really makes me happy, or if it's like an addiction and I only go from show to show to mask that it's the only thing I have that makes me happy... I know that post-show letdown is normal, especially after an AMAZING experience/run like Urinetown, but I'm worried that I'm jumping right into Fiddler auds so I won't have time to think about the things I don't like to think about.

I'm auditioning for grad school on Friday, and SIU Carbondale. 8 hours away. I finally feel like I have a pretty solid group of friends here, and I'm running away. WTF Chinese guy? Thing is, I want a masters degree. And I'm really unhappy with my job and need to take steps to do something about that. And really, I know that none of my friends would stay here for me, nor would I expect them too. This is just really scary. I'm terrified to leave, there I said it. And that's stupid, but I've always played it safe. Going to CMU, moving back home... no big thing. But now leaving what has been one of the best situations I've ever been in makes me want to hide under a rock or something.

I'm hoping that this weekend will give me time to put things into perspective. To find that inner happiness that I've had, well, since I moved home, knowing that even if it's just me I'll have to be okay with that, and to accept it. To remember why I love this bunch of freaks that I call my friends, and not only see the faults. To just regroup so that I can enjoy what I have, instead of getting depressed about what I don't.

Meh... that didn't help too much. Here's hoping I can fall asleep...

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

Urinetown, The Musical: With a name this bad, it's gotta be good!

March 5th, 2009 (01:00 pm)

Urinetown, The Musical from Nicole Borden on Vimeo.

For more info, check out www.hdcptheater.com

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

December 3rd, 2008 (10:53 pm)

I adore this quote.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
~Samuel Paterson~

And I need a change of pace, change in the scenery. There's gotta be something better than this, right?

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

November 2nd, 2008 (09:48 pm)

I just want to make a reminder to myself that I have some of the most amazing people in the world that I call my friends.

That's all :o)

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

October 5th, 2008 (04:00 am)

I just have to get this out, because it's been eating at me for weeks and I'm sick of coming home ready to cry...

I really miss my friends. This is very hard to explain; while I feel that I have really great group of friends down here that I've met over the past year or so, I feel its more accurate to say I hang out with a really great group of friends. It's hard knowing that no matter what, you'll never be a real part because you don't have the history. The thing is, I'm not trying to take anyone's place, to be anyone's best friend. I have a best friend. I've had, over the years, a lot of amazing people that I have more stories with and have had more fun with than I can even describe. It's just that these people were college friends-- we spent all or part of 5 indescribable years together, then sadly had to part ways and spread around the state and country (and world!). Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel like I don't really fit in; this group of people didn't do the whole go away to college thing. They've all been together for years. And while I don't think that I'm any better because I did go to school, it is definitely an experience that you can't really replicate. That's one of the reasons that I connect so well with Kate-- she understands meeting people and sharing your lives intensely for a few years, then moving on and only getting to see these people who made you who you are a few times a year (if you're lucky). And while this happens to all college grads, it's very hard to find yourself smack dab in the middle of a group of life-long besties (who feel the need to tell you repeatedly how great they think each other are, and while they like you they don't like you the most).

So next week I'm heading to CMU for Homecoming. Kasie, Seas, Cindy, Trav (possibly), Nicole (hopefully!)... I'm so excited I can't stand it. And while I'm sure I'm setting my hopes so high it's bound to not live up to it, it will be nice to spend a weekend with people where the friendship is just easy, where I don't have to try so damn hard and I can just be myself.

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

May 21st, 2008 (12:27 am)

Frank the goat feels:: exhausted

So, I'm gonna chalk this entry up to post-show let down, extreme exhaustion, and disappointment about not getting this new job. Basically I need to journal it so I can get it out of my head and go to sleep.

Today I had a moment where I had to stop and think: What the Hell am I doing with my life? I'm 25, with nothing to show for it but a useless degree, a hefty pile of debt, and 38 albums worth of ridic pictures on facebook. Most people my age are married, have a kid, have a career/job they love, SOMETHING.

This whole business of moving somewhere and trying to make a career out of singing is bunk. It's time to stop playing around and think of something practical and responsible to do with your life. I don't want to go back to school because I can't afford it and I'm not taking out more loans. I just feel like all of a sudden I have to figure out what to do with my life and I have no frickin idea what it is I really want.

I don't like my job. I don't hate it, but I don't like the dept I work in, and I don't make enough money. Whatever, it's true, I have a bachelors degree and my boss has to ask me how to do her job nearly every day. I know that's life, that's corporate work, dealing with superiors who are idiots. I wouldn't mind doing mindless clerical/office work if I felt appreciated and made enough money to live on. I'm still paycheck to paycheck here.

I'm lucky because I get to do so much theater, which is really a Godsend. I have great friends involved with said theater, which makes it that much more worthwhile. But it's scary to think of staying here. Almost as scary as thinking of leaving. Thing is, truthfully, if I had a reason, someone or something to keep me here, I wouldn't leave, but I don't. I feel so stuck right now, like I'm not progressing with my life at all. I moved home to save up money and lose weight. Well here I am 2 years later, still broke, still fat, and still single.

Ah, being single. As much as I hate to admit it to livejournal and more so to myself, I know exactly why I'm single. It has to do with a certain situation that a) has given me such high standards and limits what I'm looking for to something so specific, and 2) scared me to death to ever let myself have feelings for someone because I'll just get clobbered again. I know it was 2 years ago, and I need to move on with my life, whatever.

I'm not the kind that compares my life to what I "should" be doing. I also don't want to plan and save everything away for the future, because you're not really living life that way. But right now the whole "living for today" thing isn't working anymore. I'm not Peter Pan, I eventually have to grow up. There's some happy medium in there that I have to find.

Brain, please turn off now and go to bed. Kthnx ♥

The rebirth of cool [userpic]

(no subject)

April 24th, 2008 (12:23 am)

starting to feel like once again, I'm the girl to hang out with so you look/feel better by comparison.

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